Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

After breaking down various boundary conflicts in Part 2, Cloud and Townsend move onto the final three chapters (“Developing Healthy Boundaries”). In Chapter 14, they discuss the reasons why people may resist boundaries. Boundaries require a great deal of work. While fear may keep people from pursuing healthy boundaries, the alternative is sticking to a status quo that fails to improve relationships.

The authors refer to boundary-based emotional labor as “battle”—one composed of outside and inside resistance, “the resistance we get from others and the resistance we get from ourselves” (238). Examples of outside resistance include angry reactions from others, messages that elicit guilt, consequences and countermoves, physical resistance, pain of others, and blamers. These are forces that will actively impede people’s attempts to instill healthy boundaries in their relationships. When outside resistance or boundary violations happen, the authors argue that forgiveness is necessary (as a mandate from God), but reconciliation may not always be possible. As for internal resistance, the authors remind the reader to “face yourself, for that is the beginning of boundaries” (262). Without an honest self-assessment, establishing healthy boundaries will not be possible.